How to Stop People Pleasing
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Evaluate Areas of Change
- I often avoid talking about my faith so as not to offend a non-believer.
- I change my speech patterns and word choices to fit in with those around me.
- I avoid certain foods in public (like Jack-in-the-Box tacos) because they might be embarrassing.
- I refuse to talk about anything controversial in case some don’t agree with my views.
- I don’t sing in the car so the strangers in separate cars next to me won’t be tempted to laugh.
What I’ve Decided to Do Instead
Be Confident
Develop a quiet confidence about your faith and speak the truth. Put together a short statement of your belief and start practicing it. Say it in front of your mirror to gain confidence. Share it with your close friends and family. Internalize it and make it such a part of who you are that it becomes natural to express it without fear or anxiety.
Being confident in what you believe will allow you to share your beliefs in loving confidence rather than anxious flamboyance.
Don’t Change to Fit In
I have always loved words. I still enjoy learning new words and working them into my vocabulary. This is not something to be ashamed of but rather celebrated. Instead of feeling self-conscious about it, embrace it. If someone is unsure of what you said they will ask for clarification.
When I was in college I thought I had to use bad language to fit in. This is the opposite of what I was taught. My Grandma always told me she knew enough words to express her feelings without using bad language. But I wanted to fit in with my “friends”. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that most of their language was also in an effort to fit in.
The turning point for me was when I felt comfortable enough with my foul mouth to use it around my mother. I realized this was not the persona I wanted others to see. I determined to change.
It took two years for me to feel confident that my bad language was no longer part of my vocabulary. I’m so grateful I made the effort to cleanse my speech.
Realize What’s Normal
Have I mentioned that I love tacos? I’ve tried but there’s really not a pretty way to eat a taco. Unfortunately, most foods are like that. Go ahead, next time you’re eating a meal with anyone, watch them eat.
It’s gross.
Embrace that there is no genteel way to eat and enjoy the fellowship a good meal provides. Otherwise you will spend many fabulous dinners appearing antisocial while you’re dreaming of that greasy cheeseburger you’ll devour on your way home.
Trust me. I know.
Speak Truth
I don’t like controversy but I do have beliefs I feel very strongly about. Discussion on controversial subjects need to happen as long as they are done in love, with open ears for the opposing belief, and solid truth-backed opinions. I don’t “talk” about my beliefs on social media. In my experience, “discussions” on social media rarely lead to any positive conclusion. Don’t agree or disagree with something just because it’s popular. For believers, every search for truth should begin by opening your Bible.
Stop Stressing
Finally, stop worrying about what those around you will think. This one is hard for me. We live in a really judgmental time where everyone has an opinion and most aren’t afraid to express it.
Singing in the car brings me joy. It lifts my spirits. A few days ago, I let go of my inhibitions and started singing along with Hillary Scott’s Thy Will. As the song moved to the first chorus, my six-year-old son joined in.
Then my three-year-old daughter.
Then my MIL who has moderate Dementia and Alzheimer’s started singing along with us! I didn’t even know they all knew the words! But because I let go of my inhibitions and started singing my “charges” let go of there’s and we all shared a very special car ride home.
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